a new year

School has begun again, and all the prayers for my children have been safety pinned to their hearts as I send them off to brick and mortar schools. After homeschooling last year, I send them with trepidation and regret. Charley feels that they have missed out on lost of things by being at home but they have also all excelled academically by the more individual attention.

Please sir and ma'am, take care of these precious children. Please turn a cheek when they lash out at you in anger or make poor choices; for them it is not reasonable to expect adults to behave. For them this world has not been safe.

Love them for me...even when they try hard to make you not love them. They hardly believe in us anyway.

Silence

This summer has been. It has.

In the realm of my life it has held lots of growth, a new human that I may not speak of (but love) and may be a point of maturation for me. I have felt the sting of Junior High this summer...in being rejected, in being unnoticed and in being left behind.

As always I find my words tainted and shaded with double meanings, with innuendos; never being certain who is stalking my blog. The stalkers have caused a long silence on my soul but, when one writes, the words linger still in the chambers of the mind. They bounce relentlessly against one's skull and beg to be released.

I read an article in MomSense about how friends in adulthood can feel like having friends in Junior High, the whole time nodding my head and saying, "Yes! Yes!" The writer talked of the cliques of being an adult, of being a mom and of being a person of faith. Since all of my current opportunities for friends originate at church, I know what it feels like to be quietly sidelined. To volunteer and not be sure if you were not needed or not wanted. To know that you were in the range of camera but somehow got cut out of the picture, literally. To be erased by the very people who are suppose to be loving you.

From my experience, being rejected takes a lot out of a person. I turn to my Lord for friendship and strength, I wish I could manage to thrive and grow the human friendships too.

old school

siblings...on Fostercare Central

In our house we believe in miracles, for all the lives we have been a part of have left us better than before. As this is my first blog entry I thought I'd list the cast and crew, set the flavor. This year marks several big anniversaries in my life; ten years of marriage, twelve years post brain surgery for a "benign" tumor, six years post complete hysterectomy and six years since a very nice man told me "you have MS.".

These things led us to think we would never have children, thus we started filling in the child shaped holes with work, play and church. Church. That is were our journey into foster care began. Some dear friends started talking about starting a Royal Family Kids Camp, Inc. in our area of Washington and we thought it would be a great way to get to help out and be with kids who needed to just be loved. RFKC is a camp for foster children only from the ages of seven to eleven, it does not cost the state, the children or the foster families anything. At all.

So we went through training for camp and training to be foster parents about the same time, thinking we would only want young children in our home. God has a great sense of humor; camp taught my husband and I we could and did want to work with children no matter what age they were and no matter what baggage they may have. This was in 2005.

Today we are a family of nine; five forever children and two foster children. I stopped working at as Office Manager so I could devote myself to these children we adopted. Currently the ages in our home are newborn girl, 22 month old boy, 5 year old girl, 7 year old boy, 11 year old boy and 16 years (x2 one girl and one boy.) Right before we got our first placement we adopted a huge German Shepard because we thought kids were not coming to our lives.

It is loud here.

We currently home school the three youngest school aged kids because their "behavior interferes with their learning." This line was repeated over and over on report cards, in parent/teacher meetings, in parent/principal meetings, in IEP meetings and in the various phone calls I fielded. We decided that home school would better support their needs until we could teach them better ways to deal with life and it worked, next year all three will be returning to mainstream school. We have returned a few children home, one child went to relatives, one went to another home to be with siblings, one we had removed due to sexual aggression. We have done tons of respite because we are able to handle multiple special needs kids at once. Personally, I think it is because I am a full time mom.

Our passion is sibling groups, we adopted three siblings and we currently have a foster child that is full blooded siblings with one of our other children. I think kids deserve to get to grow up as siblings, in the same home. That is just how it should be. Especially since I found out about to weeks ago I have a half brother that I never knew existed. Our father died in 1979 and he never told my mom about my brother...so I know first hand what it is like to long for siblings and to find out late in life that they exist. So if I write about any of my foster children the girls will all be named Eve and the boys all named Adam...since the stories are really more about the humanity behind fostering children than anything else. These kids are REAL people with all sorts of complicated feelings and losses. Whew...that is heavy stuff. More next Saturday night.

on the beach

This is the beach Charley asked me to marry him on.

origin

It began softly, stealthy thief
thumping softly within my bowels

tolerance
ignorance

it conquered life's origin, quietly
with bizarre eloquence and humor

not of my flesh
seven of my heart

Vacation

My husband and I have taken six of our seven children on vacation, in a car, 1350 (give or take) miles.  We have spent the last few days with family and friends and then we are off to California where we have planned the best surprise ever.

They know we are going to Sea World, they don't know we have City Passes to use up.

Most of our children have never even been on vacation, forget doing the rest of the stuff.

I Can Not Wait!

news

Yesterday was my birthday.

I got the best present yet....now we have seven kids.

Boy it is loud at our house.

When you mentor falls

This is not the woman I knew...my heart breaks for her.

New study...

Periodically I am asked to post news about MS studies and I love to do it.

A Clinical Research Study Evaluating An Investigational Medication for Relapsing Forms of Multiple Sclerosis

Medical researchers are enrolling people in a worldwide clinical research study for people with relapsing forms of multiple sclerosis (RMS). This study will assess the safety and effectiveness of an investigational study medication versus placebo (an inactive substance which contains no active medication) in people ages 18-55 years old with RMS.

The investigational medication used in this study is called teriflunomide (ter-i-flün-ō-mïde). It is derived from leflunomide (le-flü-nō-mïde), also known as Arava^®. Arava^® is already approved in many countries for the treatment of rheumatoid arthritis, another autoimmune disease.

The first step in determining eligibility for this study is to take the pre-screening questionnaire either online or on the phone. You will be asked a series of questions related to your health and be given additional information about study site locations. Visit www.tower3.msstudies.com or call 1-866-565-0245 today to learn more about the study and see if you may qualify.

MediciGlobal

Ashley Toal

I don't know about you folks but I am sooooo excited about any oral medicines that are being tested.

naked

beyond the door lies
misty dreams waiting
deeply within the loneliness

holiness hides in shame
the church is not God
Holy is not shamed

His tender voice
still whispers to me
blowing softly in the leaves

His fingers still caress
the child's check hidden
behind the the woman's face

The Holy Fire dances
when I admit to no one, everyone
alone is not lonely

But truly, I believe in
the nakedness of alone
we are all a little lonely

marriage

For all you married people out there! Tag your married friends that you want to know about!
(Don't forget to tag the person who tagged you!)

1. When was your "engagement" anniversary: December 4, 1998

2. When is your "marriage" anniversary: July 17, 1999

3. How long have you known your spouse: We both worked together in December1997 but I don't remember meeting him until April 1998 because I had just had brain surgery and my fiancee died of a long terminal illness. When we met I was bald.

4. How long did you date/court before you were engaged: July to December 1998

5. Where did you meet your spouse for the first time: I remember meeting him at a little bar our mutual friends went to and falling for his wonderful eyes and smile.

6. What is your spouse's full name: Charley Jay Brown

7. Do you have any children yet: ummm six of them from 1 to 16 years old

8. How many: 6

9. Do you have any house pets: 1 dog, really big DOG...she does not know she is a dog.

10. Do you own a house or rent: We bought a four bedroom in 1996 before we got the children.

11. Do you live in the country or town/city: small town USA but I am from Phoenix, AZ

12. What is one of your favorite activities together: movies or cards

13. Do you have a favorite vacation spot: Our first cruise to the Western Caribbean.

14. How many siblings (including in-laws): Charley gave me 3 and I have a step sister

15. What church do you attend: Faith Assembly

16. Is this the church you were married in: No

17. What town is your current address at: nowhere WA

18. Do you work or stay at home: Stay at home, homeschooling 4 out six of the kiddos, home based business too.

19. Where did you go on your honeymoon: Flagstaff AZ for one day...

20. Leave a piece of advice for the other couples: always remember that you feel head over heels with this person...and make it a joint journey.

25 random things

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged . You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

I got tagged:

1. I can remember many details of my life to and very bizarre level of creepiness, my earliest memory is about the age 9-10 months old; I was being bathed in the kitchen sink by my mom and seeing the other kids playing outside threw the window. I have describe it to my mom and she was freaked out, there are no pictures of the kitchen.

2. I can understand a fair amount of Spanish, enough that it is not wise to talk about me in front of me. I use to be fluent and dreamed in Spanish. I have lived in Spain, went to school in Spain and grew up going to Mexico.

3. I have owned two ferrets in my life and they stink. A lot.

4. This is my second marriage...it took Married for Life to teach me how to forgive myself for that.

5. My husband is my dead fiancee's ideal version of a mate. He moved to Phoenix, AZ the day I had my brain surgery 11-25-97, I do not remember meeting him until April 1998. Neither one of us wanted a mate.

6. I have 6 kids and am not able to have children. We got them all within two years and most of them walked, talked and talked back.

7. I have only raised one child from birth.

8. I have had several step siblings, I consider myself an only child and I have a step sister I kept.

9. My mouth can hold both of my feet...I am working on that though.

10. Each night I down about 25 vitamins, I think they are helping.

11. I have less than 50% feeling in my entire body but I am so use to it I forget it is not normal.

12. My oldest kid thinks it is funny to rub my butt because I can not feel it.

13. I home school my youngest children because they have behavioral problems that do not allow them to integrate successfully into public school. Really.

14. My husband was in first grade when I was in seventh grade. I am older than his oldest sibling.

15. Jesus is my truest passion but I do not always talk about it because some people get turned off by it.

16. Our families hold us to a higher standard because we are "religious."

17. I am not afraid to die but now that I have kids I would like to watch them do the Big Things.

18. I have a brain tumor, had a total hysterectomy, have Multiple Sclerosis and tumors on my thyroid...illness is longer as scary as I thought in my youth.

19. Many people with MS also had Mono as a child and or Endometreosis or a brain tumor. One serious illness does not preclude getting another.

20. I am not angry about getting these disEases because God always uses things in our lives for good.

21. I regret not listening to my mother when I was younger and now find myself sounding exactly like her to my own kids.

22. I have a huge birth family and I live next to none of them. The last time I saw any of them was two years ago.

23. My grandmother's maiden name was Brown...Charley and I hope that were are not somehow related. (I know, gross but I did not know her maiden name until she died, several years into our marriage.)

24. Losing my temper with my kids surprises me because I never expected that. I feel horrible when I snap at them.

25.The first time I heard God's voice I was two years old at the lake with my Mom and Dad. Now every time I hear the wind in the trees I remember it.

Patrick's entry

One of the main reasons I like to blog is that I learn so many interesting bits and pieces...like Michelle Obama was raised by a father with MS.

Oh goody...not for her but for US, the ones who have MS and may benefit from a first lady who might take this low down thief of an illness serious! If only I have the energy to watch her do it.

the awesomeness of it

New hope.

Profound change that some people can not fathom.

A new way of thinking.

I recall not knowing that black, African American, colored people, whatever name is given were not just people. I recall not knowing that there was such a thing as racism and hate. In my naive way I thought people were just people and all of us were the same, no matter what we looked like on the outside.

Truly I was quite old before it dawned on me there were problems in the world...big ones.

I grew up, in the very early years, poor. We lived in poor areas, where the rent was affordable. That said, we lived in the real parts of America, not in suburbia...where at that time, everyone was white. (White white, not chocolate.) So I lived with all sorts of people and in my family, there were black people and chocolate people and white people; however, I knew not that it was not common.

What I knew, was that I loved all sorts of people, and I did not love anyone because of their skin.

When I was nine, before my mom remarried, we live in a neighborhood were people were less accepting of anything but white people. I did not realize this though because I was a little blond haired, blue eyed child; that is, until an African American child came to my school.

And was singled out for the hatred of children in way one does not understand, unless one has also been hated as a child. I was appalled to learn that people judged others by their color.

Mystified.

All my life I had had black people as relatives and knew that people can be good or bad and it ha nothing to do with skin. I remember discussing it with my mom.

I remember the fourth grade, in 1976, as my point of maturation, the loss of my innocence.

So today, as a true blue Republican, I could not have been any prouder to be American than I felt watching history be remarkably made with a new leader and a new vision.

God save the Presidency.

2009

Wow~~~she was little. Her 3rd birthday versus her 5th birthday.
(Top pic: Tamara, Me, Charley and Nevaeh. Bottom pic: Tamara, Grandma R and David)

Wow~~~she was little. Her 3rd birthday versus her 5th birthday.

happiness

People always talk about how fast life goes; how it is over before we even know it. Some wax poetically about the fleeting time we spend here and how it can not mean a thing.

Dust.

I believe that those people have been jaded by what life presents to us each, challenges. Test of our wills and beliefs.

Now that I have children my views have changed a bit, the matters of importance are no longer what they use to be. The above picture is from last night when Santa came to my house. All six kids sat on his lap and wished for things, things spoken and unspoken.

Children who have been in foster care suffer at the holidays because they are afraid to be happy again and sometimes feel guilty for it. When their families of origin have left definite impressions on their souls the months from October to December 31st can be painful. Ask any foster family and you'll find it is true.

What I never expected? That I could fall completely in love with so many people at once.

I am grateful for what God has provided for me and that I am able to believe, if only for this season, in Santa.

Merry Christmas.

Multimedia message

After Christmas eve worship! Look at the snow.

Snow

We are in the middle of a huge snow blanket....